Associating

I have always been a person who “connects the dots”, I associate songs, movies, and even some colors with times in my life, and I also have a superstitious clothing issue from an accident many years ago.  I will hear a song on the radio and get taken back to a time and place and relive moments, good or bad.  Last night I heard a song that I had not heard in years, it took me back to a high school dance, I was a sophomore and it was a big dance, not sure what exactly it was for, but I remember spending the entire day getting ready.  The song played as my hair was being done, and during the dance.  It was a very special night in my teenage world.

Looking back on that day and night I should be disgusted with my behavior, but I did not think about the horrible things I had done, instead I focused on the fun and “teenage” moments of that day.  I have decided that when possible I am going to focus on the good things I can remember, instead of that other crap.

This morning I attempted to “break” my clothing superstitions but that was a failure, I do not think that is something that can be beat right now so I will leave that one alone for now.  With that, I realized, again, that I do not have to have 100% success to progress.  There will certainly be days where I get stuck in repeat, days where I just feel like a pile of manure, but that is and will be the exception not the rule.

I think one of my New Year’s Resolutions this year will be to watch “Curly Sue” from start to finish, without thinking about “crap” or getting stuck on the “yuck”.  Even if I do not accomplish this task this year and have to relist this resolution next year, I know that I am progressing to a better place, I already feel happier than I have in a long time.

Progress is not a Star Trek teleporter, as much as I would like it to be, it is a journey.  If I could just jump to the end of this journey right now, it would be for not, I would learn nothing, I have to crawl through the muck, that is what we are supposed to do.  Sometimes that really sucks, but when you get to the other side, you are truly so much happier and stronger.  It is like the saying “what doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger”, I hate it but it is true.

So the next time a song comes on the radio, a movie on tv, or that color ushers in a “flash back” I will focus on the good.  In some of the nastiest mud comes the purest clay, and from that clay beautiful art is made, as is with life.

Editing

There are places out there that will take your DVD’s and edit them, take out the “bad stuff” and leave the “good stuff”, I sometimes wish they had a program that would do that with the mind.  I have watched ‘Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind’ and wished that was real.  There are so many times I would love nothing more than to erase the yucky crap in my memories and keep just the good, but I know that isn’t real and ultimately probably would do no good.

I cannot escape the “bad” memories, there are times when I am doing the most mundane task and something will flash in my brain, or I will wake to a memory replaying in my mind like a movie.  Usually it is just a flash, but sometimes it hangs out and leaves me feeling yucky.   I wish I could be more assertive at those times and say “get out!”  I have realized in the past couple years that usually the times when the memories get stuck on “repeat” is when I am already feeling down, it is like it knows when the best time to attack is.

This will sound very weird but it may make sense in a moment, as much as I hate these memories, really I do not want them to be erased completely.  I do hate the nature of them, the vividly clear images, but ultimately I know this is part of who I am, it will always be a part of me.

In a movie I just watched, the main character talked about love, if you truly love someone you love them unconditionally, the good, the bad, everything.  I have heard that so many times in my life, it just seems cliché, but when you truly think about it, it is accurate.  If I am to truly love myself I have to love all of me, the good and the bad, all of it.  So then the question becomes how do you love the “bad” when it has caused so much heartache?  By the credits I had that question answered by another comment in the movie, she said something to effect of loving what they have learned from their trials and not necessarily the trials themselves.

Looking back I can see that my “bad” has taught me to be more forgiving of others(still working on self), more compassionate, more understanding, more appreciative of the little moments that really mean the most, and how much I really do not know.  As much pain it has caused, it has also given me a “depth” that I may not of had without the “bad”.

If I could erase it all, I would not, even though the offer would be tempting.  Although I would like an edited version, probably something PG or PG-13 at most, I do not need to recall the graphic details, the implying of events would be just fine with me.

Failing

This morning I had an odd realization, I think most other people easily understand this, but hey I am slow.  I was looking through some of my artwork that I had done in the past, and one I really liked I pulled out to hang up.  This piece was project for a college art class, a project I failed.  I misunderstood the assignment, sort of went my own way and made something I thought looked very cool, but still got a ‘D’, ok so I didn’t actually “fail” at the project, but a ‘D’ sure seemed like a failure, I got points for effort which felt like a slap in the face.

This project I spent hours on, days even, I poured my heart and soul into this work.  I remember how good I felt when I was done, it felt complete.  When we had to present our works to the class, I drew a number down the line so I had plenty of time to sit and squirm when I realized that I had messed up.  I wanted to die.  I stood in front of the class when my number was called, and described my piece to the class, the look on their faces was strange, nobody was laughing, most were just sitting there listening, and fortunately I was not the only one to get the directions wrong.

After my picture spent a week in glass case, standing out as very different, we were finally reunited in all our ‘D’ glory.  I was disappointed in the poor grade I got and even though I loved the picture, it always bothered me that it was considered ‘D’ work.

As I stood there looking at it this morning, I realized that even in my failure, I had something that I am very proud of, even if the “expert” views it as a ‘D’.  That picture has kept popping in my head as I have gone about my daily tasks, and it got me thinking “if I can find success in that ‘failure’ can I find it in other aspects of my life?”  There are some “failings” where I have found a “silver lining” but overall I still view them as “failures”.

A big “failure” in my life was my teenage years and the “silver lining” I have found is that without some of those events I would have possibly not met my husband and have the wonderful family that I have.  Granted my “failures” were huge and I am not going to ever say I am proud or happy about those, but if I were to accept the “result” as my truth instead of suffering the “failures” could I find some from that?

I think the time has come for a perspective change, the ultimate result may hold more value than the failures.

Waiting

I lack patience when it comes to a lot of things in my life, I think about something and I want to do it now.  I rarely purchase items online because I hate waiting to get what I just paid for, it is very frustrating.  I have been this way most of my life.

Recently I decided to set some goals that cannot be accomplished today or even tomorrow, they are goals which will take months of work, and work that I cannot be actively “focused” on 24/7 or all the hours that I am awake.  I am making myself wait and take my time.

When I was a teenager it was much worse, I wanted whatever “right now”, which probably explains why I lost my virginity at 14, married at 17, kids not too long after that, tried to graduate early, changed jobs every couple weeks, things like that.  When I thought about something I just jumped.

My goals right now are not necessarily about the goal itself, which most goals when you really think about them are not, mine really are about waiting.  I want to let things “percolate”, let the wine age to perfection before I drink, not that I plan on drinking wine, it is just a good analogy.  In the past I have set goals, did my duties, jumped so to speak and didn’t have everything in place prior to jumping and my parachute did not fully open and I hit the ground hard.

I have heard most of my life that time heals all wounds; I had always assumed that no matter what you do time will heal it.  I would put my pains on the back burner and focus on other things, lots of stuff; I probably have some psychotic version of ADD.  Then when I would go back to see how the stuff in the back was healing, I was almost always disturbed to see that nothing had happened, it had the same nasty wounds that were there previously.  Time had done nothing but move me to a more removed place, and almost less capable of healing the wounds.

This is where my compartmentalized mind and emotional/spiritual side have collided recently.  My mind has always wanted resolution now; my emotional/spiritual side just wanted resolution regardless of a time frame.  If there was no immediate resolution, then to the back burner you go.  Emotionally and spiritually I was an online shopper, get the right item at the right price from the right vendor, but mentally I was a Wal Mart shopper, quality and price did not matter, I wanted it now.  So now my mind and emotional/spiritual side have come to an agreement, in a matter of speaking.  We will wait, we will remove mental compartments if needed, sort of rearrange the office, and we will take some festering wounds off the back burner and treat them.

I do not think everything will be solved today or tomorrow, or even in my lifetime, but I have to actually start somewhere, and getting my internal conflicts to function together is a good place to start I think.

Praying

A couple days ago I read an article discussing our relationships with God, and it changed my whole perspective.  I have struggled with prayer my entire life, before I joined the church I thought prayer was only to ask for help when someone was sick on in serious need of extra assistance.  Since I have joined the church I have often felt to unworthy to pray, why would He want to listen to me since I have done nothing to deserve such honor.

A little back-story on my relationship with God, when I was a kid I assumed from the few things I was told and what I saw was that God really did not have time for unimportant stuff, if you needed help it better be an emergency.  When I joined the church my views were changed, but only slightly, I felt that He wanted to have a relationship with us all, regardless of emergency status, but I felt so “dirty” that I needed to be clean first.  My first real experience with prayer was asking for forgiveness after messing up, that happened a lot and I felt worse every time asking for forgiveness.

My husband and I were married in the temple, even though we were definitely not worthy, and most of my prayers since that included asking for forgiveness for that.  The day we were married in the temple is a good analogy for how I felt about my relationship with God, I would not allow Him in my “house” but essentially “broke into” his house, I knew that I did not belong there.  For years I have refused to “answer” the door and let Him or anyone else in, after a while, a very long while, it had gotten very lonely and depressing in here.  I guess that is the reason for this “open house”.  I have used my “filth” as a lock to keep everyone out, but now I am seeing how devastating that has been my soul.

When I read the article, I realized that it is not so much my actions, but what I do with them.  We are here to learn, which I think means we are here to sin, so if we do or learn nothing from those mistakes then we are not growing.  I did nothing; I just let it sit there until it occasionally erupted into a giant mess.  I have realized that in doing nothing I had turned my back on God and cut off my relationship with Him.  It is like any relationship, when you do not have any contact with someone for a long time it is really difficult to reconnect, it is awkward.

Since I have read this article, my prayers are not like they have ever been before, there is more emotion and sincerity than ever before, I am allowing myself to be open and that has helped to not feel so alone in my box, and has helped me to feel not so “filthy”.  I can say for the first time in my life, I know my prayers are not just floating out into space, they are being heard.

Forsaking

The last couple days I have had a lot rolling around in my brain; one of them is the word “forsaken”.  A few years ago when I went to the bishop for the first time and disclosed a few bits, I kept much of it quiet because I didn’t want him to think I was totally unforgivable.  During that conversation he said that I had taken a huge step and “forsaken” my sins, even my most recent “full disclosure” meeting with the bishop that was mentioned.

My confusion with this topic is how in the world does signing a paper, not stopping anything just signing a paper and changing my last name, forsake this sin.  After we got married nothing changed, well that isn’t true, we had freedom to have sex whenever, reasonably of course, and did just that, but ultimately nothing changed.  We didn’t do anything, I did feel bad but that was the extent of it.  If this is the case, then “the sin next to murder” needs to step up its street-cred.

Not that I wanted to be punished or anything like that, nobody wants that, I think that maybe instead of just saying “well you have forsaken it, now go on to healing it” explain some of this stuff so people like me don’t think they are missing steps.  My understanding of repentance is it starts with a 2 step process, confession and forsaking, so for something so big, is that really it, just get married.  For some people who have no intention of getting married, I can see how marriage or just stopping entirely is a “step”, because that is doing something, that is making some sort of change or putting some effort into it.   But what of those of us who were already on the path to marriage, nothing changes.

I was bored this morning so I drew a little chart to visually show my thought, my behavior did not change, yet the “law” moved and we were within the “law” after we got married.  I may just be dumb, I am not sure due to the differing opinions, but am I the only one who sees this as odd.

Swearing

The other day I was nearly arrested, talking back to a cop is not a smart thing to do.  After I pulled away from the ‘scene’ I had some not PG words for him and the situation.  I said many choice words throughout the rest of the evening and into the next day.

I have had a bit of a “potty mouth” since I could talk, my first word that wasn’t “mom” or “dad” was of the 4 letter variety.  I have always been cautious around certain people, especially children.  Recently, well yesterday, I wrote an email in an “emotional dump” and included a word I rarely say.  After I sent the email, I was still in my emotional rage so I didn’t think much of it, but after watching a mindless comedy, I got this gut sick feeling that I had done something really bad.  I learned, yet again, that once an email is sent there is no getting it back, so I sent an updated edited version.

I have casually swore pretty much my entire life, and sometimes failed to catch myself.  My recent writings have been filled with 4 letter treats, although I wait for sometime after I write it, come back to it and edit the language.  I am trying to be better at keeping a “clean tongue” but it is not as easy as I thought it would be.  For someone who doesn’t like to swear much, I am sure having a tough time stopping.

Today has been a real trial in not swearing, I have tried to avoid using these words.  I know that I will be a better stronger person if I can stop swearing, but I also know that even if I don’t stop, I am not going to get down on myself because it is not the end of the world if I let a poetic 4 letter word slip.  During this holiday season I will try my best to not swear, I do not want to end up with a bar of soap in my mouth like Ralphie.

Picture from the movie “A Christmas Story”